Alan Smithee's shoot interviews a-go-go.
by Alan Smithee
Summary: After a long-uncorrected mistake involving chaptering, this classic humor series is finally unearthed for the new FF8 fans. Enjoy!
1. Squall: The Shoot Interview.

l"Squall Leonhart: The exclusive interview."  
  
Greetings, people, and welcome to the first of some interviews. Since I so totally rule, I was able to get for my first one the CGI "actor" who gained fame as Squall Leonhart of the neo-classic game Final Fantasy VIII. What's up?  
  
"Absolutely nothing. Otherwise, why would I do this?"  
  
I have no idea. So, first question. Exactly how did you score that choice piece?  
  
"Are you implying anything? For the last time, I am not sure about any casting couch...well, okay, we all knew Selphie made it into the game on her back. But the others got there on their merits, dammit!"  
  
No, I'm actually talking about the "Legacies" of video games that dotted the game's roster.  
  
"Oh. Well, I know of a few of them, but we all didn't need to use our connections to get in."  
  
Well, who were these "related characters"?  
  
"Quite simply, me, Seifer, and Raijin."  
  
And what were their relations?  
  
"Mine were in my name. I was the son of this dude from the TRUE FFIII, and my mother was allegedly the White Mage from the original game. However, whoever it was, he dropped her before I could get to know her. Really could work as an Olympic hardship story, huh?"  
  
Well, yeah. What about the other related ones?  
  
"Well, Seifer was a total asshole! All through the filming it was 'I should be the star, I AM Cloud's little brother! The fans would WANT that!' Honestly, I just wish that my gunblade could actually do that stuff to the people..."  
  
Which is a sort of segue, at least for right now. How did you do that stuff with the Gunblade?  
  
"It was quite simple, really. We fashioned a sword out and put a stun gun on the end of the tip. I slashed and hit the person, then pulled the trigger and let the stun gun do its work. Post-production just added in the effects. You actually got most of how it worked in that one piece you did..."  
  
Oh, yeah. So, what about Raijin's....?  
  
"Um, I don't like to talk about it too much..."  
  
Oh, Don't worry. Most likely this'll only be read by a couple of people.  
  
"Well, okay. Raijin wasn't really a relative, per se. He actually WAS Barret from FFVII. The only holdover from that game's cast, actually. Basically, a lot of us knew about the weight he had lost, or at least got the idea when we checked out WWF Attitude and found out that he was the stunt double for D'Lo Brown in that game..."  
  
You don't say...  
  
"Well, yeah. So he came in much lighter than in FFVII. He takes the stuff, and we slowly him wasting away a bit more towards it. This is the normal way for it until...until..."  
  
Until what? The people need to know.  
  
"One day, while they were shooting the first scene with Laguna, Kiros, and Ward, we went in and found 'Raijin' dead in his trailer. Coroner said that he'd been abusing Dexatrim and crystal like a motherfucker. He apparently had his heart set on doing stunts for Kiros, and he just took so many Doctor Midnights that his heart just fucking exploded."  
  
That's terrible.  
  
"We know. At various times, we eventually had to release statements saying how it was no big deal. Luckily we had some help on the set at the time, or else it would have been even worse on the budget and length until it came out."  
  
And how did you work that?  
  
"Luckily, we shilled out big money for speaking extras in this game in order to make it seem better. It just so happened the guy we hired to play 'Trepe Groupie #1' had also done a myriad of stunts in various hit games, with his most well-played role being 'Jax' in the Mortal Kombat series. Luckily, he was able to take control of Raijin, and did amazingly in it. Really revitalized his career..."  
  
I know. So, what's next for you?  
  
"You know. I've been mulling offers, as most of them want me to be some fighting game hero. I mean, come on! I'm legitimate!"  
  
Well, do they have anything to go on? Did you do any of your own stunts?  
  
" ARE YOU INSANE? And ruin this face? 'Timber Maniacs' called me 'The James Dean of the Video Game character set', and that's with the scar! Do you think I'll play with more fire and ruin my chances for more roles?"  
  
"I can see your point."  
  
"I know. I just don't want to end up like my dad did. Shilling various snack foods, getting beaten up by various Super Famicom characters just so that my kid would have food to eat, putting on masks and claiming to be a generic wrestler just so my kid wouldn't have an imagination Christmas that year...."  
  
I see. Well, that about wraps it up. We'll see you in our next interview. I'm Alan Smithee, and with me is, oh yeah. What IS your real name?  
  
"Does it even matter?"  
  
Um, "Guy who Played Squall Leonhart." We now bring you back to your next program. 


	2. Quistis: The Shoot Interview.

"Quistis Trepe: The Exclusive Interview."  
  
Greetings, people, and welcome to my second interview. This time, I was able to get for my the CGI "actress" who portrayed Quistis Trepe in the game Final Fantasy VIII. What's up?  
  
"The usual. You know."  
  
Ah, yes. So, let's check this stuff. Exactly how did this role come to pass?  
  
"You know, I kicked ass in my previous role, and they just snapped me up immediately to take the role."  
  
Well, I'm not too certain about most of them. What was that role again?  
  
"I played Sonia Belmont in that whole Castlevania: Legends. My agent thought it would turn me into the next Neve Campbell, but it ended up being just a blip on my radar until I could get some serious roles."  
  
And what about your...other roles?  
  
"What other ones would you mean?"  
  
Well, the whip's a dead giveaway. You used it in both your previous game and VIII, I mean, come on...  
  
"So what? Yes, I was a dominatrix for a brief period. Yes, I've done adult films. What's the problem? I'm a strong woman, and I deserve to do whatever I want to do for myself!"  
  
Ah, yes, your well-documented porn career. Didn't you do magazines and films?  
  
"Well, yeah. Actually, the producers came up with a cool extra fact toward my 'past career moves'..."  
  
And what would that be?  
  
"Well, it's really obscure. Basically, the infamous copy of 'The Girl Next Door'..."  
  
Oh, yeah.  
  
"I had posed for the issue they used as the prop. Changed all of the names, but still..."  
  
I can understand. Girl's gotta eat, right?  
  
"Yeah. I thought that Castlevania would have all of the video game makers beat a path to my door, but I got no calls."  
  
Yes, but didn't you have "Castlevania money" left?  
  
"Hell, no! I had to split an apartment with Sonya Blade until VIII came calling!"  
  
Is this the much-rumored..."partnership" the tabloids hinted at for a while?  
  
"LORD NO! We're just good friends. Actually, she helped out a bit on VIII..."  
  
Oh, really? How?  
  
"Well, she had retired from the action games for a while, so she let her natural color go back. She tagged along to the auditions, the producers saw her, before I knew it she nabbed the role of Xu."  
  
Pretty cool. I wouldn't have guessed it. So, you two aren't...?  
  
"Of course not."  
  
But you can give us some dirt, can't you?  
  
"Why, I could never say if any of my fellow castmates were gay or not ::coughIRVINEcough::"  
  
Oh, I see. What about your exploits? An attractive woman had to have a few passes on the set...  
  
"That's so sweet! Actually, I have had a few."  
  
Any details? Enquiring minds want to know...  
  
"Basically, most of the guys were duds."  
  
Let's see. Let's run the list. Squall?  
  
"Guy didn't even notice I existed. He's one of the most intense people I've worked with."  
  
Zell?  
  
"We did a few things back in the day when we were both on the verge of video game stardom, but he's stayed the same throughout all of it. He just retired back to his trailer all night and just read a lot of Shakespeare."  
  
We've already eliminated Irvine from this one, so...Seifer?  
  
"Not a chance. The guy's a complete prick. If you're reading this, Yes, we KNOW you're Cloud's little brother, and honestly, we don't give a flying fuck!"  
  
Raijin? Anyone else?  
  
"Actually, I've had stuff with both of them."  
  
Go on. Tell us.  
  
"Well, the second Raijin was cool in an ironic way. I had seen some MK stuff, and just kept trying to get Sonya to help me hook up with Jax for a long time. Then I go onto the set, meet him, and find out he was originally hired out to play a student who was infatuated with me, it was just pretty cool."  
  
And the first...?  
  
"I don't like to say this, but..."  
  
Go on. It'll be fine.  
  
"During filming, me and 'Barret' had hooked up. We had talked, I remarked about how great he looked, and he said he'd show me how he lost it. We went back to his trailer, and he showed me this huge bathtub where he was making a huge amount of crank. I remarked about it. He said he also used some E, but not often. He laid out some, and we used it. We screwed like crazy, and then I noticed he wasn't moving. Luckily, I was able to perform CPR on him, but he proceeded to think I was ready to go again. We did, and he stopped moving for good this time."  
  
Whoa. That had to suck.  
  
"I know. Luckily, the doctors found out that it was the drugs that did it. If it really was a heart attack brought on by the sex, I don't know..."  
  
Well, we already had heard of your well-publicized suicide attempt on the set.  
  
"Yeah. It was before the autopsy took place. I still thought I had given him the heart attack because, well, I'm AMAZING in the sack..."  
  
I'll bet. So, what happened?  
  
"Basically, I was hysterical and tried to hang myself with my whip. Sonya came in, saw me, cut me down and just freaked. She told the producers, they shilled out some coin and sent me back to my family's place in Utah for a little bit to rest up. I came back a little later, but still..."  
  
So that's why Quistis looked a little more ripped in the Deling City scenes...  
  
"You got it."  
  
Well, that's the interview. I'm Alan Smithee, and this is...  
  
"Just do like you did with 'Squall.'"  
  
Okay. "GIRL WHO PLAYED QUISTIS TREPE." Thank you, and until next time, go do something with yourselves.  



	3. Zell: The Shoot Interview.

Greetings, people, and welcome to my third interview. This time, I was able to get for my the CGI "actor" who portrayed Zell Dincht in the game Final Fantasy VIII. What's up?  
  
"I am quite excited. Finally, I have a place to announce my latest role!"  
  
And what would that be?   
  
"I just got back the call from my agent. I've been given the lead in Hamlet: The Video Game!"  
  
Um, why? You're a bad-ass!  
  
"What? You haven't heard of my past? I am one of the finest Shakespearean actors in the video game circuit! Why, 'Timber Maniacs' called me, and I quote, 'The greatest Banquo ever to play in the video game world this century!'"  
  
Okay. First off, how did that occur?  
  
"Of course you know about my past, right?"  
  
Bih?  
  
"The long years studying in the finest theater programs in Deling City? The fact that I was made a Knight by the Sorceress herself ?"  
  
Excuse me, but I thought that Seifer was "the Sorceress' knight..."  
  
"What? You poor fool! That no-talent idiot sucked the most dick I've seen for a part in years, and that's WITH his brother Cloud calling in every favor he could to get him the role!"  
  
Okay. And how did you get the part in the game?  
  
"Respect for my acting skills, plain and simple. They knew they needed a great actor for the part, and I was it."  
  
And were they right?  
  
"Well, the Noley I have on my bookshelf for 'Best Supporting Actor in a Video Game' would say they were..."  
  
Ah, yes. So, what roles did they look at?  
  
"Well, I told you about most, but then there was...."  
  
Um, you drifted off for a second.  
  
"OKAY, OKAY! I WAS IN ACTION VIDEO GAMES! I WAS YOUNG AND NEEDED MONEY! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW!"  
  
Well, we had that idea. Which ones were you in, anyway?  
  
"I was just in one. Virtua Fighter. I was that one dude. I can't remember the name again."  
  
Whoa, I couldn't place that. I do know that Quistis was talking about some wild times you had had in the past...  
  
"Ah, yes. We were in the same class together. Became good friends, actually. We both heard about our luck in our...previous roles the same day. We hung out, got drunk, before we knew it we were all over each other. After that, we'd just do some wild, self-destructive sex every so often. Really cool, actually."  
  
I'd gather. So, everyone wants to know. What's with the tattoo?  
  
"Well, it's connected with how I got back to what I wanted to do all along. Sega had a thing where they didn't want to change the characters too much. I really wanted to make them fire me, so one night I went over to this joint and got a tattoo right on my face. Worked like a charm."  
  
But wouldn't that ruin your chances for serious roles in the ones you wanted?  
  
"Heavens no! I just put some makeup on top of it. Covers it up, I'm left able to do REAL acting."  
  
But why did you leave it off for FFVIII?  
  
"Funny story. I actually had makeup over it during an early scene in the cafeteria. However, I ran out of makeup before my major scenes started, and I couldn't get more. I told the directors, and they actually liked it. They claimed I 'looked more hardcore' with the bloody thing on."  
  
We would say so. So, aside from Quistis, did you have any...relations with anyone else on set?  
  
"Not too many. Just the various...extras I was able to help get in there..."  
  
Oh, really?  
  
"Yes. As a way to give back to the people, I briefly tried to teach theater in some American universities. However, most of the best mocked me when I tried to interview. I had to settle for ::snickers:: Brown, of all places."  
  
That must have sucked.  
  
"Well, I was able to find some attractive co-eds who worshipped me. I got them some minor roles on their 'acting skills.'"  
  
Whoa.  
  
"Yeah. All of the library girls were products of this."  
  
I see. Well, that was very informative. Tune in next time for another exciting interview!  
  



	4. Irvine: The Shoot Interview.

Greetings, people, and welcome to my fourth interview. As a change of pace, I decided to start discussing the various bigotries running through video games today. In order to help me with this, I have gotten a person who has been well known to have felt these pains in the video game industry. You may know and love him as famed FFVIII star "Irvine Kinneas", but in actuality he's one of the leaders of the "Video Game Characters for Equality" movement. Welcome, um, can I call you Irvine?  
  
"Sure."  
  
Well, the first question is, why are you so heavy towards this movement?  
  
"Well, because I want changes. I hate being dicked out of roles because of my sexual preference."  
  
Ah, yes. Your well-documented case of...  
  
"Don't worry. I'm cool with it. I'm a fag. Get used to it."  
  
Well, I would have used some...more safe words, but...  
  
"Don't worry. I know that most people can handle it. People are willing to watch shows with homosexual stars now."  
  
Ah, yes, "Will and Grace", "Ellen"...  
  
"SCREW THOSE! I'm talking about 'Survivor' and their ilk! The real stuff about it!"  
  
Please. Don't mention that show on these interviews or I will have to hurt you.  
  
"Do you promise to?"  
  
Let's move on. Do you feel that your sexual preference has lost you work?  
  
"Of course! I was all set to be the lead player in both Sunset Riders and Lethal Enforcers 2. I was the best of all of them, they had actually offered me the job. Then, the directors find out, and all of a sudden, I'm just another person who dies!"  
  
I see your point.  
  
"That's what I was trying to get out to the people with my performance: That a guy who likes other men can still play a convincing video game idol."  
  
You did that well. I mean, you had to beat women off with a stick during the game.  
  
"Of course. That's just good acting mixed with knowing what women want."  
  
And that is...?  
  
"Come on. You're straight. To tell you what they want would be like cheating."  
  
Come on. It'll be just between us.  
  
"Okay. They're just like us gay guys. They want conversation, someone who'll listen, someone who'll make them laugh, and most importantly, a dick the size of the Empire State Building."  
  
Well, I can handle most of that, but that last one...  
  
"Don't worry about it. You'll manage."  
  
And what about the love scenes? Were there any troubles in those?  
  
"Not really. They used Selphie as my love interest, so I just did a natural realm of logic."  
  
And that was...?  
  
"Fact: According to most claims to stop STD's, they say 'If you do something with a person, you're doing that with everyone that person had done it to before.' Using that logic and knowing Selphie was a dirty, dirty whore, I just closed my eyes and pictured the people who I knew she did things with."  
  
That seems logical. So, do you think your attempts are working?  
  
"Actually, yes. Me and Selphie have already been tapped to star in The Next Best Thing: The Video Game."  
  
DEAR GOD, TELL ME THEY'RE NOT MAKING A GAME ON THAT MOVIE!  
  
"Well, it's only being sold in the 'pink light areas' of town, so you'll probably never even see a copy."  
  
Well, do you think that that is a bit of stereotyping? I mean, only games for the gay community?  
  
"A bit, yes. But at least it's better than before. A few years ago, all of those 'alternative lifestyle' games were digitized to the point where no actual people were employed. It was a screwed up system."  
  
Whoa. That's a surprise.  
  
"Exactly. Hell, when they wanted a gay man for 'Final Fight', they actually just hired a straight guy, dressed him in stereotypical leatherman garb, and sent him out."  
  
I did not know that.  
  
"Well, luckily the joke was on them when they found out that the 'straight guy' actually was me."  
  
You mean...you were that guy?  
  
"Hell yeah. It was a smart maneuver on my part. Get some money to get a little food, and get my message to the people. I won on all counts."  
  
Well, thank you for your time. Tune in next time, where I'll actually be interviewing an attractive female! FINALLY! 


	5. Selphie: The Shoot Interview.

Greetings, people, and welcome to our latest installment. This time, I was able to hook all of you up with an exclusive interview with Selphie Tilmitt. What's up?  
  
"Absolutely nothing."  
  
Let me just get this stuff over with. A lot of your co-stars are claiming you had...let's just say "loose morals" on set.  
  
"Why, whatever would you be talking about?"  
  
You know, some talks about, oh, let's see their comments, "Screwing Everything that Moved."  
  
"That's silly! I had one of the largest experiences in the form of all of them!"  
  
Explain.  
  
"Well, I had quite a few video games in Japan. Actually in fact, I have some chops in other popular American games..."  
  
Whoa. Where did you get these?  
  
"You know, a few. A background or two in some fighting games, a background character in FFV, Lara in Tomb Raider: Last Revelation, oh, and I was Misty in Pokemon back in the day..."  
  
You are such a bad liar, you know that?  
  
"Come on! It was released way back in Japan, when I was a bit younger. As a result, it was entirely possible for me to be in it and still be the character you booked today."  
  
I see. And exactly how did you get these parts?  
  
"I know what you're implying! I'm a good girl! I just had some talent! Besides, the most I ever took on was three at once! Oops..."  
  
Did you just...?  
  
"Look, so I went to the casting couch! I was just playing the game!"  
  
I see. So the rumors about you taking the entire cast of FFVIII on are true?  
  
"Look, I only had sex with the guys...Okay, none of the females swung, but I still didn't!"  
  
Okay. So, how were they?  
  
"Squall? Eh. I've had better, I've had worse. Zell wasn't too bad. I had heard some good things from Quisty, so I knew I was in for something. Irvine was a bit of a problem to get to with that whole 'homosexual' thing, but just a lockpick into his trailer while he was asleep and I was showing him exactly what a girl was good for."  
  
I see. And the producers?  
  
"Amazing. Easily the best lays in the production industry. I should know, I've done the deed with every producer and director I've worked with."  
  
I see. So, what is next for you?  
  
"I've just released my first album. It's already in the top 20 on the Trabian pop charts, and the first single's hit number 1!"  
  
Let's just see this CD. Hmmm. Selphie Tilmitt, "Take Me from Behind?"  
  
"Oh, that's the title of the first single. I wrote that one myself. It's about,um, true love sneaking up on you?"  
  
NICE TRY.  
  
"Okay, but don't let it on to my fans. They think I'm a good girl!"  
  
And how did you pull that off, WITHOUT mind control?  
  
"Simple leaks. I took all of the rumors I knew would swirl around me and leaked them as being done by Rinoa. Little smart bitch..."  
  
I see. Well, that about wraps this interview up...  
  
"Wait. I need some help."  
  
Shoot.  
  
"I am ready to release this album in the Earth realm, and I need someone to direct the first single..."  
  
Well, I don't have too much experience, but I could set you up with someone...  
  
"You don't understand. I WANT YOU to 'Direct my Single.'"  
  
Oh. Okay?  
  
"YIPPIE!" 


	6. Rinoa: The Shoot Interview.

Greetings, people, and welcome to our latest installment. This time, I was able to hook all of you up with an exclusive interview with Selphie Tilmitt. What's up?  
  
"Absolutely nothing."  
  
Let me just get this stuff over with. A lot of your co-stars are claiming you had...let's just say "loose morals" on set.  
  
"Why, whatever would you be talking about?"  
  
You know, some talks about, oh, let's see their comments, "Screwing Everything that Moved."  
  
"That's silly! I had one of the largest experiences in the form of all of them!"  
  
Explain.  
  
"Well, I had quite a few video games in Japan. Actually in fact, I have some chops in other popular American games..."  
  
Whoa. Where did you get these?  
  
"You know, a few. A background or two in some fighting games, a background character in FFV, Lara in Tomb Raider: Last Revelation, oh, and I was Misty in Pokemon back in the day..."  
  
You are such a bad liar, you know that?  
  
"Come on! It was released way back in Japan, when I was a bit younger. As a result, it was entirely possible for me to be in it and still be the character you booked today."  
  
I see. And exactly how did you get these parts?  
  
"I know what you're implying! I'm a good girl! I just had some talent! Besides, the most I ever took on was three at once! Oops..."  
  
Did you just...?  
  
"Look, so I went to the casting couch! I was just playing the game!"  
  
I see. So the rumors about you taking the entire cast of FFVIII on are true?  
  
"Look, I only had sex with the guys...Okay, none of the females swung, but I still didn't!"  
  
Okay. So, how were they?  
  
"Squall? Eh. I've had better, I've had worse. Zell wasn't too bad. I had heard some good things from Quisty, so I knew I was in for something. Irvine was a bit of a problem to get to with that whole 'homosexual' thing, but just a lockpick into his trailer while he was asleep and I was showing him exactly what a girl was good for."  
  
I see. And the producers?  
  
"Amazing. Easily the best lays in the production industry. I should know, I've done the deed with every producer and director I've worked with."  
  
I see. So, what is next for you?  
  
"I've just released my first album. It's already in the top 20 on the Trabian pop charts, and the first single's hit number 1!"  
  
Let's just see this CD. Hmmm. Selphie Tilmitt, "Take Me from Behind?"  
  
"Oh, that's the title of the first single. I wrote that one myself. It's about,um, true love sneaking up on you?"  
  
NICE TRY.  
  
"Okay, but don't let it on to my fans. They think I'm a good girl!"  
  
And how did you pull that off, WITHOUT mind control?  
  
"Simple leaks. I took all of the rumors I knew would swirl around me and leaked them as being done by Rinoa. Little smart bitch..."  
  
I see. Well, that about wraps this interview up...  
  
"Wait. I need some help."  
  
Shoot.  
  
"I am ready to release this album in the Earth realm, and I need someone to direct the first single..."  
  
Well, I don't have too much experience, but I could set you up with someone...  
  
"You don't understand. I WANT YOU to 'Direct my Single.'"  
  
Oh. Okay?  
  
"YIPPIE!"  
  
  
  
Greetings to all of my loyal cult following! This is the end of Wave One of these things, mainly because I "couldn't book" Seifer or any of them. However, I am hooking you up with the "actress" who played Rinoa Heartilly. WASSUP?  
  
"Charmed. Is that...slang?"  
  
Whoa. I didn't expect you to....  
  
"Have half of a brain? Of course I have to. I'm the relative neophyte to the business of all of them. I needed to make sure that I had the skills academically before my parents would allow me to take these roles. Even if I didn't, I still want to make sure that I would be able to have a career once my looks fade and I'm forced into chick-flick video games."  
  
I see. Quite sane of you.  
  
"Thank you."  
  
So, your career seems to be the most meteoric of the main characters. How did you start out?  
  
"Well, mine was just good luck. I had some older contacts who set me up an interview for FFVIII. I only assumed that I'd be cast as one of the Library Girls, maybe Xu if I was lucky. Then the director thought I had the perfect look for the romantic lead. He had me read for it, and I pulled the shocker. From there, they called other producers, gave them some info on my skills, and I have a few more parts!"  
  
And which would those be again?  
  
"Well, right out of the gate I was given a totally sweet deal with LucasArts to officially make all those nights studying a consummate waste..."  
  
You don't mean...  
  
"Yep. Right out, they booked me to be Amidala in a series of Star Wars games."  
  
Zang.  
  
"Exactly what I thought. I still love FFVIII, but I'm trying to branch out. I know what happens when the next FF comes out. People forget about your skills. I saw it happen too up-close..."  
  
What do you mean?  
  
"Well, I don't like to bring it up too much, but..."  
  
Come on.  
  
"Well, I'm cool with you. You're really the only interviewer I'll work with..."  
  
Really?  
  
"Do you want to hear the reasoning?"  
  
Okay. We'll touch on that afterwards.  
  
"Well, the contact I had to get me the audition was my big sister Tifa."  
  
Whoa. That is a surpriser.  
  
"I know. I tried to keep it silent. I mean, if you think of someone who's related into FFVII, the stuff you get is either Barret/Raijin OD'ing on crank or Seifer using his relation to Cloud to justify being a real baby about things on set. I just figured it was a saner move to rise above those and keep my bloodline on the DL."  
  
I see. Good choice. So, what was that about me being the only one you'll work willingly?  
  
"Well..."  
  
Come on.  
  
"You're the only one who'll actually treat me like I'm real. Everyone else hears the rumors Selphie started about me or just looks at me having been Squall's love interest in the game, and they assume I'm some flighty, drug- addled slut-whore. You actually treat me like one of them."  
  
Why exactly did these things happen?  
  
"Well, Selphie was just a freaking jealous bitch. She was up against me for the Star Wars roles. She gave them all of her 'couch auditions', but it went to me on my talent. She got angry and called the Enquirer. Other than that, it's just simple 'Prom King/Queen Syndrome'..."  
  
Ah, yes. The one you want is a paragon of virtue, but the one he or she's with is either a boorish jock or a complete ho...  
  
"Exactly. You don't do that stuff."  
  
Well, there's too many parallels between you and the "IRL" you, if you will...  
  
"I know. I've seen your old stuff back on the other labels. I'm talking about your treatment of Squall."  
  
Well, that's the way when you've risen above that stuff...  
  
"Exactly. So, any other questions?"  
  
Well, the, um, FANS want to know. Did any of those relationships that you were in in the game stick?  
  
"Of course not. Seifer? PLEASE. I know we aren't related, but ANY child with 'Seifer Almasy's' DNA in it just has to have some parallel to the banjo player in Deliverance. Squall was pretty cool, we went out a couple of times during filming, but it turned out to be another 'On the Set' fling. Besides, I'm too busy with my schooling to have time for anyone...yet *hint, hint*."  
  
Well, that's another thrilling episode. Tune in when I get some more ideas. 


End file.
